


Dating Sim Troopers

by grs2099



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Church deleted his braincells, Gen, Multi, Screenplay/Script Format, Tucker is bi, everyone is out of character because I have no braincells either, mature rating bc they talk about sex stuff, mostly bc I'm not thinking enough to make it in prose, nothing really happens. they're just sitting there and talking. but it gets into nsfw territory, set between s5 and s6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-01 08:44:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20812313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grs2099/pseuds/grs2099
Summary: Blue team talks about being inside a game while they have breakfast. Caboose gets out of character in universe





	Dating Sim Troopers

**Author's Note:**

> For maximum enjoyment of this fic, imagine they're all always gesturing wildly. I do not write down the fact that they're gesturing but they definitely are. I cannot imagine a world where hands do not talk when mouths talk.

_Blue base kitchen. Tucker and Kai are on the table waiting for food because it's not their turn to cook breakfast. Church is making coffee. Caboose is making pancakes._

**Tucker**: _[changing topic]_ So. I was talking to Donut the other day-

**Church**: Why were you talking to Donut?

**Tucker**: Because. I am not a coward like some self-proclaimed straight assholes. Or a woman like Kai. And I am not afraid of going to the hottest twink in this damn canyon to blow (bow-chicka-bow-wow) some steam and have a good time with a different kind of idiot. He's got a good arm, I have a good mouth, we have some fun. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

**Church**: _[disgusted noises]_

**Tucker**: Fuck off. ANYWAY. As I was saying, I was talking to Donut the other day and we came up with... an idea. What if, and keep your mind open to the possibilities, what if. We are characters. In a dating sim.

**Kai**: ... Whaaat!?

**Tucker**: Think about it. We're all stupid, generally attractive, and completely different. Isn't this like. A perfect dating sim scenario?

**Kai**: Ok, but where's the player? And please don't say it's me. I refuse to be the one responsible for dating each of you assholes.

**Tucker**: Maybe it was Tex? She could have given up and deleted her file and that's why she died?

**Kai**: That's cold, dude.

**Tucker**: Sorry. But like, can you imagine what kind of crazy steps you'd have to take to romance, like, Sarge? What kind of options would you even need to choose??

**Kai**: _[laughs]_ I know joining blue team isn't one of them.

**Church**: Wow, you guys are such nerds.

**Tucker**: Like you're not a nerd too. If you were in the game you'd probably be just a stupid poorly-drawn extra option they added at the last minute.

**Kai**: Or the useless information dealer.

**Tucker**: Nah, that's Vic.

**Kai**: Oh right, I completely forgot he exists. Maybe he's a background character? Do background characters even exist in dating sims?

**Tucker**: A love rival maybe. _[laughs]_

**Kai**: Whose love do we fight him for?

**Tucker**: _[looks at Caboose and Church]_ I'd say it out loud but... I like not having to trust Doc with my bones.

**Kai**: What? _[follows his eyes, notices Caboose smiling at Church]_ Ohh. Wait, would that mean Caboose is also a love rival?

**Church**: Are you gonna make the player try to fuck a tank?

**Tucker**: What. Oh. Caboose, you still have a crush on Sheila?

**Caboose**: I? Never had a crush on her??

**Church**: Why were you so against Lopez liking her then?

**Caboose**: I have a lot of sisters. I get attached easily to every nice girl I meet.

**Kai**: Aww, am I a nice girl?

**Caboose**: Yeah, you're like a really nice sister. Do you want an extra pancake?

**Kai**: Hell yeah!

**Tucker**: That pancake's gonna come out of my pile isn't it?

**Caboose**: ... Perhaps.

**Tucker**: I knew it. Well, whatever. Where were we?

**Kai**: No idea. I think we were trying to romance Caboose? Or was it... Church?

**Church**: _[finishing his coffee, taking the bottle and sitting on the table]_ Me what?

**Kai**: Hmm I think this is turning into more of a matchmaker game than a dating sim.

**Tucker**: Woah, that's a really good idea actually!

**Church**: _[looking at his empty cup and waiting for the pancakes]_ ... Is that any different?

**Tucker and Kai**: _[stare at him]_

**Kai**: Do you even know anything about games?

**Church**: Uh. There's shooting games. And driving games. 

**Caboose**: _[distracted]_ And dress-up games. And card games...

**Church**: And your romance games.

**Tucker**: Damn, you two really don't know shit.

**Church**: Ok? What's the difference then, nerd?

**Tucker**: It's literally in the name!! Dating sims are a simulation, the player is pretending to be in the world of the game and trying to romance the characters. Which by the way I'd totally be the biggest face in the cover art.

**Kai**: _[snorts]_ Yeah, just really big in the background and covered by everyone else.

**Tucker**: Fuck off. In matchmaking games, the player is like. God. Or cupid, actually. They're trying to make the characters fall in love with each other. Like, they totally managed to win the Grif and Simmons level, and probably the Lopez and Sheila one too. And I don't know if they're throwing me at you and Donut at the same time to see if the game allows for polys but they're totally gonna fail, Donut's too gay for me.

**Kai**: Wow, I'm gonna tell him you said that.

**Tucker**: I tell him that every time we're fucking.

**Caboose**: _[brings a pile of pancakes to each person. Tucker's is noticeably shorter]_ Gay is a very old word for happy. Donut is indeed very happy.

**Church**: Caboose... They're not talking about the happy kind of gay.

**Caboose**: I know he's talking about the sex type of gay. I know what sex is.

**Church**: ... You do?

**Caboose**: The basics. _[sits down, pours himself some coffee, takes a sip]_ I know there's straight sex, and gay sex, and sex with more than one person...

**Everyone**: _[stares at him]_

**Caboose**: What?

**Tucker**: Sorry, I just. You're always a big airhead.

**Church**: _[exasperated]_ You didn't know what pregnancy was!

**Caboose**: ... Knowing what a robot is doesn't mean you know what a robot does.

**Tucker**: Wow. And you're like a huge virgin.

**Caboose**: You don't know that.

**Tucker**: WOW. See? You're, like, a big idiot who doesn't even swear often, and then out of nowhere you come and start talking about sex like it's nothing?? Of course we're gonna be shocked.

**Church**: I refuse to acknowledge you just insinuated you're not a virgin. 

**Caboose**: Would you rather I demonstrate? _[rolls a pancake and just shoves it whole into his mouth like it's nothing]_

**Tucker**: PLEASE stop, I don't wanna see you two hook up right in front of my pancakes.

**Church**: _[he's like. really red and really shocked]_ WHAT?? I. I'm not gonna hook up with Caboose!!

**Kai**: Oops. Looks like meta talk was not the right way to speed up this level. _[imitates buzz noise]_

**Tucker**: _[elbows Kai and steals one of her pancakes]_ Ookay, that's enough meta talk for today. Let's just... Finish this breakfast and remind me to never give Caboose an opening to say sex stuff ever again.

**Kai**: But we haven't even started talking about where Doc and Sarge fit in!

**Tucker**: Doc with Donut, me with you, Sarge... Fuck if I know. Himself probably. There. Happy?

**Kai**: Nope. But that's enough embarrassing Church for this morning.

**Church**: _[picks up his plate and cup of coffee and leaves the room]_ I hate you all.

**Author's Note:**

> I literally had no aim other than make a mess, and a mess I have made, so. Yeah, I don't think there'll be more.


End file.
